Seasonal depression

This is what I am currently battling, as I do every fall, but this year it’s a little harder.

I am currently off all medication as we transition me to a safe to conceive med. I am also taking care of four dogs and eight puppies every day and trying to keep a house clean.

It seems like every other day now I wake up and just “don’t want to” to do anything. I don’t want to even get out of bed. Monday I didn’t, I hid in the dark with my fans on until my husband came home to help me.

I have less than two weeks caring for the puppies (hopefully) and it can’t come soon enough. They get past the stage of cute real fast when there are so many of them.

I see my doctor next week and I don’t want anything to change as far as what meds I’m going on so I don’t know how honestly I’ll speak to her about what’s going on. The med I’m getting prescribed is described in the commercials as treating bipolar depression so hopefully it will help.

Right now I’m guilt-fully laying in my bed while my husband cleans in the kitchen. I don’t know where to start and I didn’t know what to do this week because I am so overwhelmed. I should be grateful he is stepping in and helping but it didn’t come without a shut down earlier on my end after a little fight.

I just need to get back to some normalcy around here. I need to be back on meds and stable and I need to have a little less responsibility. I also need a job. Thinking about everything makes me want to sleep, but that’s the thing, I’m not getting restful sleep so it just adds to the problem.

I missed him

My husband went hunting this weekend and was gone for three nights. He got a deer and I’m absolutely thrilled to have venison to cook with again but I missed him.

The bummer was we fought a little when he got home and ended the night badly. We even fought a little over text when he was gone because I had put myself into a stressful situation to support a friend and when I reached out to him about it I really wanted a little more empathy and all he said was “sorry.”

I cuddled with him while we were watching tv in bed and it was great but my husband and I really lack communication skills and I’m trying to figure out why.

We were literally a whirlwind romance when we met and I fell fast. It’s funny though, and he hates when I tell this part of the story, but we met on a dating site online and I wasn’t initially impressed by him. It took some coaxing and he was relentless. The moment I met him in person though, it was over.

I re-wrote the traditional wedding statement with a “I definitely do” when we married and I was SO happy. But things got strained.

We’ve been through a lot since then and while I openly admit to being a little troublesome in my relationship I can’t figure out why we can’t get back to that place.

Months after we married I developed a crush on his friend. It was horrible. He was staying with us for a few weeks and while my husband was working it was just me and him. I still remember that night at the beach when my husband and I drove away from him (the friend) and I told my husband how I was feeling. I know it hurt him.

A year later I developed a quick friendship with another guy. I shared photos I shouldn’t have and began to fall in love with him. Part of me thinks that was the first nail in the coffin to get me court ordered for not one, but two, hospital stays.

I even flirted with guys in the hospital. A couple times right in front of my husband. I was mad at him. I was convinced it would be over and I was manic so I didn’t care. I still believe deep down to my core that it wasn’t full blown and ripping apart my life with these hospital stays was not necessary but that wasn’t up to me.

When I got out I tried to rekindle my relationship with the “other guy” but he wanted nothing to do with me. I’m still unsure what happened there but he left the states and went back to his home country so who really cares I guess.

The thing is, all of this could make my husband feel defeated, I see this, but I’m bipolar and I make bad choices sometimes and I can’t always control it.

Sometimes I get bitter and believe we are only together because we have to be. Like he’s too old to want to try anymore and I’m basically incapable of supporting myself at this point in time.

I don’t know. This post turned into a long winded story that probably doesn’t make much sense. I’ll tell you right now, whether I stay with my husband forever or not is not something that weighs on my mind. I’m not afraid of the idea of dating or even being single really. What I’m afraid of is feeling this disconnected from the man that says he loves me.

“It’s all online.”

One of the things that inspired me to start this blog is the current book I am reading called “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis and the first thing I wrote about was the goal it was helping me to achieve of becoming a peer support specialist because what mentally ill person doesn’t love the idea of having a job where a requirement to get it is to be mentally ill?

Well, I hit a speed bump ya’ll.

I had my rescheduled meeting with a person who holds this job already and I thought it went pretty great. We talked about the job in great detail and I seriously believe this is something I could really succeed at so by the end I said, hey, so how do I apply? The guy tells me, “just go down there, skip all the online crap, go in person and apply.”

I decided after that meeting I’m going to do just that. I’m going to march my butt right into that CMH for the first time in 7 years and do it.

I made two stops on the East side of town before heading to the West side where it’s at and then it occurred to me, maybe I should bring my resume. I stop at my house, fight with my printer, greet my husband as he comes home early, search for better shoes, and get in my car to go do it. This is when it gets sticky.

“It’s all online.”

In front of me were two receptionists half acknowledging me and telling me multiple times that you have to apply online. I tell them this guy just told me to come in and do it, they mutter his name and then get even more specific, “if there are any openings it’s posted by the county online”

I leave discouraged beyond belief. I was getting so close, I was making strides! Now it feels like my last unobtainable dream because there aren’t any postings there aren’t any position openings. I message the peer support specialist I had just met with and he tells me he will “keep an eye out” and let me know when there is but c’mon guys why did you encourage this so much and provide me with all this fabulous information so I could have two snobs rub my face in the dirt for even asking to apply and ultimately discover that I can’t anyway?

I really need the money and I really wanted to earn it in a way I would enjoy. I’m not going to give up, this isn’t a total sob story, but I can’t keep thinking that me not working is going to help me OR my husband obtain any of our dreams.

I got on indeed tonight and I found something I’m going to try for next. The title of the position in itself is the best… Dog washer/receptionist. Hold that thought. I get to bathe dogs AND be a receptionist? Dude, I’m in.

I applied but this site gives the job posters opportunities to add extra hurdles to jump over in order to show initiative and interest in the position so it left me with an address and instructions to stop in. Guess where I am going tomorrow guys?

So we end the night fighting… again

It’s worse because my husband is leaving for hunting tomorrow night so this was our last night together of the week and we just wound up fighting.

Between the stress of caring for four dogs and eight puppies and fighting with my husband I’m convinced my body hates me. Constant acid reflux and pain. It’s draining. I don’t know how much more I can take.

The job thing came up again. It always does. It’s painfully obvious he hates that I’m not currently employed but we’ve discussed that my current job is caring for these puppies and when he asks me if I’ve sold any I about lose my mind. To be clear, we have deposits down on four of the eight but that’s not good enough. We need to sell the rest and I’m trying but I don’t know what to do! People are oddly specific about what they want out of a puppy and it’s just not happening.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I’m wound up and stressed beyond belief. I went out to smoke a cigarette and even that is giving me anxiety. For one, my front door is not currently closing properly so I have to push or pull it very hard and it’s loud and I’m sure I’ve heard pieces chipping off at some point. Another thing, it’s freaking windy! Coupled with my fear of fall and the night I can’t even go back out there because it’s creepy.

I guess I’ll go crawl back into bed and make up stories in my mind until I can fall asleep. It keeps me from over thinking about bad things. I’m just so mad right now.

A plate breaks and so does my heart

Two plates have been broken in this house in the past week and neither of them were by my doing. The first one tweaked my o.c.d. more than anything because now I have three of that kind instead of four. Bummer. This one though…

Hand painted by a high school friend with a tiger lily on it and a quote from Bob Marley. It was beautiful. I had four hand painted plates, three by friends, one by me. Now I have three. I am literally mourning the loss of a plate right now. I’ve had it for ten years and I’m so disappointed in my husband for leaving it where he did and it getting knocked down by my dog.

Of course he is turning this on me. Blaming me for not better disciplining the dog and preventing the whole thing in the first place. Neither of us were in the room when it happened but of course now I recall the exact moment I heard it drop to the ground and what my mind warped that sound into thinking it was. Now my husband is going to bed mad at me and I’m out in the living room writing.

Why is a plate important? Well. It has a story. My very first manic episode, three full years before diagnosis of bipolar disorder and having my second one, this plate was made. When you’re manic you are on top of the world in your mind and boy was I flying high. I was 19 and I literally moved out of my parents home for the first time, bought a VW van with my estranged uncle’s money, and begin planning a trip with friends in said van. Thing was, I needed money, so we started making plates to sell.

At this time I think people thought I was just finally breaking out of my shell. I was sucking people into my world and dreams instead of raising eyebrows and causing worrying. I had a lot of support. I sold some of the plates but I wound up keeping four and I’ve had them ever since.

I didn’t go on the trip. I sold the van. I got my first dangerous taste of being an adult and paying bills and it wasn’t pretty. So parts of this plate story are good, parts are bad, but with some things… I just have an attachment… and when it’s been in my kitchen for ten years through five moves I just feel so sad that in five seconds it was destroyed.

I feel slightly manipulated by my husband right now as I often do, if I’m being honest. He turns things on me. He shifts the blame. Yes, it was the dog technically, but he left food on it and had it within his reach. I’m not even going to try to talk to him about this because I think he will just find a way to make me feel shitty.

I question my marriage sometimes and it’s usually when/during fighting and what happens afterwards. I may have a two year college degree but being bipolar and having been on the multitude of medications over the years I struggle with my memory sometimes. I think he knows that and uses it to his advantage. He can confuse me in a heart beat and I’m left feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to say.

Sometimes I don’t even try to fight. I shut down and go hide in my bed. It’s almost worse because then he won’t leave me alone. He can actually be really intimidating when he won’t stop talking and I’m just laying there, blank.

I’m working hard to control my emotions these days as my medications are changing. I don’t want any pointed fingers saying I shouldn’t be changing them because of behaviors that I might be showing. I think I’m doing great and I’m proud of myself for how I handled this really, but yes, I blamed my husband for this second broken plate (and the first) and I’m not sorry… I just wish he would have been.

I made it through my dreaded two days

The last post I made was about wishing I could skip through two days. Well, I couldn’t, but I made it!

Friday was about as stressful as any day could get. My meeting with the peer support specialist got cancelled, but not until I showed up, paid for overpriced coffee, and waited awhile. My errands all got accomplished but later than expected because I slept past my first alarm by over an hour. The art reception managed to be about as awkward as expected considering I was the first one there before even any of the artists.

My body was deceiving me with anxiety and physical pain and I was losing it by the end of the night. I tried to unwind with friends and wine but one of them passed out so we left. It was late when we went out to begin with so we went home and I said hello to three Advil pm before passing out.

I literally slept until 1 pm today and I still didn’t want to get up. I was quickly overwhelmed by my husband telling me everything he already did (he began the cleaning) and everything we still had to do and I felt hung over and wanted none of it. I eventually got going though and we finished the house in preparation for the guests we had coming.

I’ve decided I don’t like having guests over because I can’t leave. I’m trapped and at their mercy. I felt like these particular guess over stayed their welcome and I wound up not getting to go see other friends tonight but I suppose you have to change things up sometimes. We played cards against humanities for way too long and I’m thinking I’m kind of over that game. That’s a real bummer because we usually play it every weekend but hopefully by the next I will have forgotten these feelings.

I’m ready for Sunday though! Mom is picking me up and taking me to lunch and to the farm to get apples and cider. We are also visiting my grandparents where my mom will be surprised by grandma’s homemade galumpkies (polish food) that she makes once a year for us. Should be a good day.

I’m a little disheartened by the fact that this is my last weekend with my husband for at least a month. Deer season starts and he is a very passionate hunter and looking forward to going north every Friday to try to fill up our freezer. Until we sell the puppies our dog had I’ll be left behind caring for the herd.

What is it about a busy weekend that makes me feel like I didn’t spend any time with my husband? It’s like if we aren’t home alone together it didn’t count. Really silly outlook of mine but hopefully I get home in time tomorrow for a nice evening with him and don’t get too down on what is to come.

When you want tomorrow to be over today, and maybe the next day

I have one thing I’m looking forward to this weekend… one. That’s my annual fall trip to a farm with my mother to really ring in fall and buy pumpkins, apples, and cider. I almost thought it wouldn’t happen. My mom moved an hour and a half north of me this year. This woman is going to drive that distance to get me, drive fifty more minutes north east on our trip, and do the same distances back again to drop me off and go home. It’s the light at the end of a tunnel for me, maybe even between another tunnel as hunting season approaches and my weekends will be just me and my dogs for awhile.

The thing is, I have two dreaded days until this happens and I especially want tomorrow to be over already. I have a packed day ahead of me of running errands. It’s bogging down the good things. I have that meeting over coffee with the peer support specialist to inquire about the job which, truthfully, I’m starting to get anxiety about. I also have a gallery opening to see my best friends art on display for the first time but the rest, it’s ruining it for me. The worst thing about it is I have to get up early so really, I should be sleeping, but my arm aches and I’m out of ibuprofen so here I am, using it to type.

I do know that when I accomplish these tasks tomorrow I’ll check them off my list and be proud of myself. I’ll tell my husband what I did in hopes of a “Good job, baby” and eventually I’ll relax but I’m not a big fan of all the ‘doing’ in one day. It’s payday though, we are pretty much a paycheck-to-paycheck family and we’re not even making ends meet so when the money comes in the trips to the stores and bill paying happen, always by me. I’m slightly controlling with money and I don’t even make any but it’s the planner in me, like I just know what to do with it and when. Usually.

Saturday we have plans, too but it’s something I’m kind of dreading. Part of the reason is the lead up. We are having guests over so you know what that means, we have to clean. I swear there has never been a day since I’ve been married that cleaning before guests come over hasn’t turned into a fight. It has even led to canceling those guests on occasion. It seems as though my husband has it in his head that because I don’t have a job I should be keeping this house perfectly clean all by myself, well I don’t. I do a lot, but I can’t do it all.

Should we get past the cleaning and onto the evening there is a couple coming over for dinner. I’ve met the man in the past but the girl will be new. I’m particularly sour about this situation because the man had a ‘fling’ with my close friend. That’s how we met. He used to cook for us and we would play cards against humanity and have a blast. Sure, I probably have a distorted version of what happened between them from said friend but what I don’t like is he doesn’t want this information to come out. Basically I feel like I will be lying. Granted, who knows what would have naturally surfaced anyway but anxiety of meeting someone new coupled with things I cannot say already makes me regret planning this.

The thing is, the said friend mentioned moved states away and, yeah, she is married now but they became our couple friends. Now we are scrambling to find a new one. We are on the brink of having a good thing going with a girl I met on Facebook and because we will be entertaining at our house I know I won’t get to go to hers and play cards against humanity with her and her husband. So you see, new couple potential is taking away from current couple potential, and I’m just over it already.

Ok, deep breaths now. I let it out. Time to figure out a way to fall asleep so I can get through everything, do my best to enjoy the good, and see how much stronger I am after the next few days.

Let me tell you what it’s like, making friends in a mental hospital

You will inevitably bond with people that are in circumstances like yourself, for example, in a mental hospital. You might even become friends and it will make your stay a whole lot better. It’s good… until it’s not.

I’ve been out of the hospital for over a year now. I’ve had three inpatient stays at mental health facilities and at each one of them I made friends. They helped me get through, I believe that, but what happens when you get out?

We made plans in those places. Plans to meet up, plans to go on adventures or simply just hang out, but did we ever? Nope. Not once.

I’m grateful for the shared moments of laughter, the stories told, and the moments when we bug caretakers for extra food because one of us wanted a snack so then the other one did too and, well, if you gang up then they will totally cave.

The thing is. The one thing you do actually do is add each other on Facebook because who doesn’t have a Facebook? Then what? I’ll tell you what. Those “friends” linger like a sore spot on your feed.

I see these people, sometimes their posts are ok, sometimes they are kind of fucked up, I might like something here or there but I don’t comment and we don’t talk. Ever.

Eventually I’ll end up removing them. I’ll say ok enough is enough, I was mildly crazy when we met and you probably were too (we were in there for a reason right?). I just haven’t gotten to that point with “this round” yet.

Last year was particularly interesting because I had two inpatient stays at two different hospitals within a month. Almost three whole weeks of making friends. Honestly I already wised up and removed a couple but the other few are still there.

I’m literally lying in bed thinking about a few of them. Thinking, you were cool and all, but do I want to think about that time anymore? Probably not. I might just get to cleaning now…

Coffee plans of the future

I was a little uninspired to write yesterday, that happens a lot, which is why I haven’t succeeded in a blog in the past… but I feel like I need to update on what happened!!

I corresponded with a woman at the public health facility I’m inquiring with to possibly become a peer support specialist at and I set up a coffee meeting with a current peer support specialist to learn more!

He called but I was busy so he also texted me as well and we are meeting Friday. I am pumped! I’m going to start a list of questions and just pick his brain. I’m also going to find out how to apply and keep on plugging along on these plans.

That was literally the highlight of my up and down day and I’m glad I have something to look forward to.

My call went unanswered but all is not lost!

Like I’ve mentioned, I’m trying to pursue my dream of becoming a peer support specialist to people who suffer from mental illness. To be a peer support specialist for those circumstances you have to also suffer from a mental illness, which I do, and I am bipolar 1.

I called today to ask more about it and my call went unanswered, I didn’t even get a reply to my voicemail I left. I had also sent an email to the facility about who to speak to in order to become a peer support specialist and they replied letting me know the woman I called is out of the office… so that’s why she didn’t call me back!

Luckily, they provided me with an email and phone number to another person that could hopefully help so I shot them an email right after I read it.

My thought is, I sleep late and they probably open early so there is probably a solid three hours during which they could reply to me before I even try to call. Crossing fingers and pressing thumbs again!

I mentioned my main questions, talked myself up, willed for a reply, and signed it graciously. If I don’t get an email back I’ll call her in the afternoon.

I told my husband about doing this. He is being very supportive! I’m feeling hopeful but trying not to. I don’t want to be let down but I also don’t want to let myself believe I don’t deserve to have aspirations. I’m kind of a take it as it comes person though, so we will see.

Wish me luck everybody!